Thoughts swirl with relentless reminders that I am not perfect. Simple tasks, jumbled, become costly mistakes. I am unfocused and scattered. Appointments made for the wrong day. Miscommunicating. Forgetful. Interrupted. Unfinished.
Last night after a day, full, I grumbled my exhaustion to the one who chooses to love me and my mistakes; 9 hours of work, 3 hours for a hair appointment, dinner at the diner, getting home just in time to watch Survivor. I have talked non stop since dawn and I have nothing more to give. I grumble more to the child I've only seen for 20 minutes. It's bedtime. She refuses to brush teeth and I respond in anger. I'm tired and angry.
He said, "You're tired, but isn't it because you are living your dream?"
Oh.
Yes.
He is right.
Thank you, dear husband, for not letting me dive any deeper into my mistakes!
With different perspective, exhaustion is beautiful. Something to feel and be happy for the feeling.
Tired and happy!
So then, could the pain of my mistakes also be something beautiful? Embarrassed, guilty, and apologetic - even those feelings might be welcome. I feel. I feel these things. And there is beauty in the emotion. In the consequences. I learn. I move forward.
They don't tell you this - but making mistakes is part of the curriculum. You can't "live the dream" without them. You don't get through a day, a week, a month, without error. Without misplaced anger. Without exhaustion. You just don't.
And living with it, moving through it, is part of this dream I am after. It's part of it! I can't separate it! Ignoring it like it might go away and eventually stop happening!? It will never stop happening. I lie to myself if I think that.
So this is my assignment. To feel my exhaustion! Feel my embarrassment! And be happy!
Last night after a day, full, I grumbled my exhaustion to the one who chooses to love me and my mistakes; 9 hours of work, 3 hours for a hair appointment, dinner at the diner, getting home just in time to watch Survivor. I have talked non stop since dawn and I have nothing more to give. I grumble more to the child I've only seen for 20 minutes. It's bedtime. She refuses to brush teeth and I respond in anger. I'm tired and angry.
He said, "You're tired, but isn't it because you are living your dream?"
Oh.
Yes.
He is right.
Thank you, dear husband, for not letting me dive any deeper into my mistakes!
With different perspective, exhaustion is beautiful. Something to feel and be happy for the feeling.
Tired and happy!
So then, could the pain of my mistakes also be something beautiful? Embarrassed, guilty, and apologetic - even those feelings might be welcome. I feel. I feel these things. And there is beauty in the emotion. In the consequences. I learn. I move forward.
They don't tell you this - but making mistakes is part of the curriculum. You can't "live the dream" without them. You don't get through a day, a week, a month, without error. Without misplaced anger. Without exhaustion. You just don't.
And living with it, moving through it, is part of this dream I am after. It's part of it! I can't separate it! Ignoring it like it might go away and eventually stop happening!? It will never stop happening. I lie to myself if I think that.
So this is my assignment. To feel my exhaustion! Feel my embarrassment! And be happy!
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