Thursday, May 03, 2007

bLocKeD

The website I usually use to jot down my thoughts is currently being blocked by my gracious web server. Granted, I shouldn't really be upset ... I am, after all, blogging during my 9-5. Does this make me a bad person? Or just American? *guilt sets in* Where has my work ethic gone??

I haven't felt the flare for writing in recent months. Words haven't been eloquent or interesting. The times I've taken to reflect on life, love, and liberty have been minimal and what ends up on the page is more of a laundry list to a complaint department at Jacqui Headquarters than meaningful expression of my personal growth.

Ah, yes. Personal growth. My mother often said "coffee stunts your growth." I believed her. She also told us she was going to put bricks on our heads to stop us from getting so tall. I was curious why she didn't just put on a pot of coffee.

I know that was a bit of a bunny trail, but stay with me. I'm still thinking about personal growth.

What I've been ordering lately hasn't been the usual. The items on my plate are very meager servings of those three L's I mentioned before. Perhaps my absence at the table has effected me more than I thought. There's been a feast going on and I've refused to take part. I've recognized this problem several times over the past 10 years. I went so far as to write a few lines down for the making of a great song ... but never finished:

I'm thirsty, but I don't take time to drink.
I'm hungry, and the table is set for me.
But I pass by. And wonder why I feel so weak.

I picture this in my head like a sappy drama on the Lifetime channel. I can see how ridiculous it is. A child munching on saltines in the living room while the rest of the family is stuffing themselves with turkey and mashed potatoes in the dining room. No one is stopping her from eating ... so why won't she come to the table? She's made herself an outsider when she has every right to a portion of peas.

Does she feel unworthy? Yes.
Does she want someone to make her a plate and bring it to her? Yes.
Does she know she's being ridiculous and stubborn? Yes.

As the credits roll a deep voice asks, "Will she ever find the courage to take her place at the table? Will Aunt Betty realize she's missing and search for the hungry child? Stay tuned for next week's episode when a concerned neighbor finds her digging through the garbage can in the backyard!"

And we go to commercial.

No comments: