I find myself listening in the morning. Awake. Breathing in the silence. Savoring the last few moments of sleepiness and appreciating with a full heart that these days are few. Husband sleeps next to me and I lay still. Our room is dark and cozy even though it's 9am. I take deep breaths and watch him breathe. His freckles make me smile. The way he reaches his foot toward mine ... these are the things I want to always notice. This peace. This love.
My heart and mind are constantly thinking about this next season. I ask myself questions, I read books for answers, I search my own heart for answers. And still, I don't know what to anticipate other than change. Everything is about to change. A little body- adding a third breath to our mornings. Adding a new dimension to the silence, for even in the silence I will be very aware of her. The only thing I am sure of is that God gave her life. And gave her to me. While she is fully His, she is fully mine for this season. If left to myself and self-centered thoughts I can easily become overwhelmed with all that is changing, all that I won't have anymore, all that scares me about this ... but I was raised to turn my eyes toward heaven. And though I may forget where my peace comes from, I find I quickly return there ... with my eyes toward the One who made me. I am certain and thankful that I can depend on God for the things I need. He has always provided for me. Always. This will be no different.
When I'm exhausted and losing patience and baby J is crying louder than me and I feel like that moment will never end ... please remind me of truth. This too shall pass. He will meet my needs whether I had 8 hours of sleep or 2. More than baby books and other's advice, I want to cling to that truth.
Until then, I continue to savor these moments of silence and anticipation. I'm taking advantage of making plans, leaving the house with just my purse, and staying out as long as I want. These days are few.