This feeling is linked to just about every season of my life. The questions that tumble, the path I think I should be walking on, the choices that I wish I hadn't made, and the hurried beat of my heart as I race through the should-haves, what-ifs, and the I-just-wish-I-knew's.
I'm ready to do this differently.
There's this feeling that I don't really belong here. In this space. And I humbly walk around with my head down as if I'm borrowing your spot for a minute and will be out of your way as quick as possible.
But it also resides with this feeling that if I were truly myself.... like ... REALLY myself ... I would be so loud and obnoxious that all my friends would disappear.
But what's funny is while I'm terrified to have fun and be the Crazy I know I am, I absolutely LOVE being around the Crazy I know you are. One of my best friends recently did a "birthday dance" for me ... just this silly little 3 second jig ... and it was probably the best gift I got that day.
I'm starting to see the Frantic and it's begun a journey that I hope will last a lifetime. Because I'd like to do a birthday dance for you someday and not give a shit about what anyone thinks.
I see the marathon in my mind - athletes at the starting line, paused, waiting for the gun shot. I feel like I'm a few yards behind just starting to stretch.
I'm getting ready to live my life. Just give me a few minutes.