Friday, January 07, 2011

Scattered

There are a gazillion pieces. Here. There. Under the couch cushion. And just as I start to gather them, I trip over one and the chosen few that were neatly tucked in my arms are now strewn about the room again.

Of course, I'm refering to my thoughts. Well... maybe I'm refering to my plans. Then again - it's quite literally all the toddler toys we've acquired since Dec. 25th. And in the most figurative sense it's my brain in general.

And there you have it. Scattered figuratively, literally, and even in being scattered, I'm scattered.

If this doesn't make much sense to you - I say, "PRECISELY!"

There are many things I'm lacking right now. Patience is a given. Focus is next on the list. Followed by wisdom.

I firmly believe that wisdom is something God-given, acquired, retained, and exercised. And if wisdom is exercised then I'm certain I've lost my membership to that gym since I haven't been there in quite some time.

Or any gym for that matter.

I appreciated this blog entry by a dear friend about how resolutions are stupid without God. (Except she says that much more eloquently!) I could resolve to fix all the things I criticize myself for; not playing the guitar enough, not playing with my family enough, not serving others enough ... but I, Jacqui, can only do so much. Of this I'm certain: this year won't look, feel, or act like any other. I can't compare years past with the year coming because this is not the past. This is a new day. With new solutions. New steps. New outcomes.

I'm praying for wisdom and focus and patience. With myself as much as with others. And right now, with all these scattered pieces, I don't know where to begin let alone move forward.

You know what it feels like? Like trying to row a sailboat against the wind. That's exactly what it feels like. I've been doing this for 7 months. You'd think I would have tucked the oars in by now.

*deep breath*

Officially sailing with the wind. No more rowing. Not even going to put my toes in the water.

So there's a resolution for you. I'm not going to row.

(Until the next time I feel like the ship is heading in the "wrong direction" and I determine to steer it elsewhere. How quickly we forget life's lessons, eh?)

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